Thursday, September 14, 2023
I thought I had to take 10,000 steps everyday. If I fell short, I felt poorly. I thought the number on the bathroom scale had to be a specific one or lower, and when it went up, I felt poorly. At the gym, if I couldn’t do more reps or increase the weights, I feel deflated. When I was teaching at the university level, I felt obligated to attract a certain number of students each year; and when numbers were down, I felt poorly. When I was using dating apps several years ago, if certain numbers of people didn’t reply to my profile or messaging, I felt poorly. When I was using social media, and my post didn’t attain a certain number of “likes,” I felt poorly. If the number in my bank account went down, I felt poorly.
If the numbers fit your model of good, you worship them for the joy they give you, and they become your god. If the numbers do not fit your model of what’s good, you condemn them as your source of evil, and they become your devil.
Let’s consider the source of this god/devil duality. You set the bar. You conceive of the model, and when the numbers don’t fit the model, your wellness is controlled by the devil. Who is this devil? You are. When you conceive of the model, and the numbers fit or exceed, your wellness is controlled by a god. Who is this god? You are. Numbers are on your medical report. They’re in your investments. They’re in your age. They’re in how much you owe in taxes or your mortgage. They’re on the bathroom scale. Who is your god? Who is your devil? Maybe the numbers don’t matter as much as you think.