19 January 2021
It’s easy to confuse validation for agreement. But these two things are merely distant cousins, at best. As herd animals, humans are constantly finding ways to bond. Unfortunately, we have created an internet-pervasive society where face to face connection is rare. A pandemic doesn’t help, either. Validation is a form of acknowledging the worthiness of others, even if the way they feel doesn’t seem to reflect reality. In other words, you may not agree with how they feel, but you can certainly understand that they feel. When someone is having a hard time, they don’t necessarily want your help in fixing the problem either. They just want you to acknowledge that they are having a hard time – that’s validation.
I might be the world’s worst validator! “Oh, don’t worry about it,” or “It will all be okay,” are not validating statements. Those statements lack empathy, and empathy is what validation seeks. Validation seeks to be heard – not always to be agreed with – just heard. When others are validated, they feel connected. When they feel connected, they feel supported. Support is the boost they need to take action to solve their problems. A validator provides the empathetic ear. Empathetic listening is hard, because we want to give advice, rather than just be a compassionate listener. But compassionate listening is the catalyst for healing and support. If you have a chance to validate someone in the next few days – try becoming a compassionate listener, rather than a problem-solver. Remember to confirm worthiness, rather than encouraging a quick “fix.” Validate someone by being that healing presence they so desperately seek.