Thursday, June 19, 2025
I was writing this morning, and then I heard the dog jump off the bed – which means it’s time to go potty. When we returned, my favorite ink pen was missing. Turns out, I inadvertently placed it atop the dresser in the bedroom. I was upset at “myself.”
Inadvertent means not resulting from or achieved through deliberate planning. Can we blame ourselves, when we truthfully cannot help it? I struggled with absentmindedness for years. My subconscious mind is locked like a vault. It’s running the show, but it also makes me pause, especially if it seems like I can deceive myself, as in “misplacing” a pen.
Most function is subconscious – heartbeat, circulation, aging, etc. I wonder if all is subconscious, and the sliver of conscious mind is a mere pretense of control. Freewill is this weird, “flashing” illusion, absentmindedness versus mindfulness. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m weirded out at my own ability to hide from myself like that.
When I finally found the pen, I knew it couldn’t have been anyone else. I don’t remember putting it on the dresser; however, the evidence is overwhelming. When I look up at the moon, I get a strange feeling, the evidence of who done it? Did I forget, again?
Like finding the pen on the dresser, and being surprised, is spiritual awakening similar? Who could have put the stars in orbit? Who could have caused all this destruction and pain? There’s no-one else to blame. Evidence does not lie. It feels like I didn’t do it, but I know the pen didn’t put itself on the dresser. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m beginning to wonder if it is just me, the one, the only.