Wednesday, October 23, 2024
When I was younger, and I would cry, my dad warned me, “Dry it up.” In his temperamental way of fathering, which wasn’t always the best for dealing with a child trying to navigate troubling emotions, he’d say, “If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to give you something to cry about.” What that meant was that he was going to inflict pain – REAL pain upon me.
What does that kind of primitive “lesson” teach us? Children get attached to outcomes. Somehow, we learn along the way that the outside circumstance, the behavior of others, or things as unpredictable as the weather or traffic are a direct cause of our emotional meltdown.
We don’t understand that circumstances and the behavior of others do not cause emotional meltdowns, reactions to them does. No one likes to be told that they make themselves suffer. This angers people, especially unconscious people who have not learned that circumstances are independent of who they are and circumstances do not victimize. The mind grabs hold of this untruth and loves to blame emotions on everyone else, their upbringing, or their circumstance.
Sorry dad, you got it wrong, but now I understand there really isn’t anything to cry about. It only took me 40 years! But I didn’t know, and certainly didn’t need the reinforcing painful “lesson.” That taught me to suppress emotion, not to understand the source. I needed to learn that I was making myself cry. I get that. I had to understand that I was the cause, and ultimately the relief.
I’m not trying to give you something to cry about, but perhaps you are crying over spilled milk. Spilled milk doesn’t hurt. The world is not here to please or to hurt. The world is here to show us that we’re invincible spirits with nothing to cry about.